I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
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She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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