i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
