I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
