Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
