Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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