I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
