i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
