Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
