ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
