How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
