You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
