I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
