I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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