If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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