I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
