If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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