Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
