Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My life is pants optional.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
