Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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