I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
