i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
