im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
