the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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