I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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