just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
