I accidentally had phone sex last night
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
