I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
