took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
and you fell through a lawn chair
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
