saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
