I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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