I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
