and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
