Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
