I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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