The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
