he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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