im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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