The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
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I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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