Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
