So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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