Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
