Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
