I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
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Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
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I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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