Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize