Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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