Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
