just survived the first fart of the relationship.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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