thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
