If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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