it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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