i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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