haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
