I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
