I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
